James has been a trustee of MOE over ten years, from 2012-2022, and a trainer of numerous coach training courses and trainers for MOE during that time. He is providing a number of blogs from his experience as a coach, a parent and a speaker about coaching to parents.
Why Teen Brains Don’t Behave As Adults Want Them To
Regular as clockwork, parents come up to me after a coaching for parents talk and ask me what I would suggest to get their teenager to communicate meaningfully with them. And each time, I have to explain, that since I don’t know them, nor their child, nor do I have any observations of their relationship, I am unable to offer any pertinent suggestion. There is no magic, one-size-fits-all formula.
However, I do try to steer them towards recognising that their teen child is going through a brain transformation, and they are going to need a LOT of understanding. Depending on how their relationships were with their children before teenage-hood often has a big correlation with how teenagers are likely to process your attempts to coach them during teenage-hood. (‘Teenage-hood’ is now generally acknowledged as a bona fide, stand-alone stage of human evolution).
Having practised being teenagers ourselves doesn’t seem to make a blind bit of difference to the bewilderment we still probably encounter as parents when attempting to manage our own teenagers. So let’s start this blog with a little science.
Structural brain changes in adulthood
Compared with other animals that apparently manage the change from youngster to adult fairly predictably and harmoniously, human adolescence is a period fraught with emotional turbulence. Why should this be so? And from a more solutions-focused angle, how could we, as parents most sensitively understand and manage this turbulence?
Scientists now tell us that young brains, far from being a finished article at around twelve years old as previously thought, continue to undergo major structural changes right through our teenage years (which extends into our mid-twenties). The frontal cortex thickens before the onset of puberty and slowly shrinks back to normal size over a further dozen or so years. Social awareness appears not to kick in till age twenty-one or even later. And this brain turbulence lasts till around twenty-five years old, we are informed now. Very convenient if true. No wonder the teens’ bedrooms resemble bomb sites, the telephone is answered brusquely and the dirty clothes don’t make it to the laundry basket.
Our worthy parental efforts attempt to hardwire the child’s brain at this early pre-social awareness stage with messages of personal responsibility, big-picture awareness, tolerance, consideration, etcetera. Is this actually a hopelessly ineffective use of our vocal chords? Or might social awareness actually be accelerated by insisting on these messages? And if so, would it have to be at the cost of other hardwiring? In which case what might we miss least? Or most?
Might it be that the teenager’s resulting mood swings, need for excessive sleep, general apathy, indifference to apparent risk, exaggerated emotional responses and so on, could all be normal responses to the brain’s development at this age?
Might it also be that our youngsters are NOT deliberately trying to cause us maximum suffering? Might it actually be that the opposite is the case? That, in fact, they too are baffled by their reactions to seemingly innocuous everyday situations? That they are valiantly attempting to wrestle themselves back towards the innate intelligence and goodness they experienced before their teenage years began? That all this while, they are doing their level best to fit into society, despite their developing brains being compelled to abdicate all responsibility?
It’s worth a thought.
Their brain, the one organ that could assist them to make sense of their world, has chosen these years to engage in stretching and shrinking experiments. And not content with that, it chooses to trigger spontaneous floods of chemicals and hormones that further unbalance any possible moments of stability.
Here’s just one brain chain reaction:
- emotional behaviour triggers floods of cortisol in the pre-frontal cortex, which…
- restricts dopamine flow, which…
- inhibits rational thought, which…
- causes ill-considered and unwise responses, which…
- leads to (more) emotional behaviour.
Rinse and repeat. Catch 22.
The least worst socially acceptable ten-year period
On the face of it, it seems to be very poor timing for a human brain to go AWOL. But then is there ever a best time? It is as if Mother Nature has weighed up the odds over several million years and plumped for the teen years as the “least worst” socially acceptable ten year period to fine-tune a brain. So now it stands a fighting chance of operating for another hundred years of adulthood without further intrinsic restructuring.
Ah yes, adulthood. Fortunately all of us adults have grown through these random, childlike episodes and have now left them far, far behind… We all long ago chose to discard them as the flotsam and jetsam of an adolescent rite of passage leading to adulthood (…didn’t we?) All our conversations and reactions are now such well-reasoned, balanced templates of respect and consideration (…aren’t they?)
Because all things considered, if we hadn’t chosen this new high ground, and if our dialogues with one another weren’t so exemplary, think how stressful and precarious adult (should we use the term ‘grown-up’ here?) communication in shops, offices, classrooms, courtrooms, parliament, hospitals would otherwise be…
Irony aside, maybe, just maybe, since children and teenagers are required to be under adult supervision while they make their essential howlers, on balance it’s probably a lot safer for everyone. Even as science tries to rationalise their irrationalities, the practical and emotional challenges of managing our children and teenagers remain as acute as ever.
At around twenty-five years old, our ‘teenagers’ become young, vibrant adults. They finally have their wayward brains returned to them, fully serviced and clear of the teenage fog just in time to prepare for responsible parenthood themselves. Did Mother Nature plan it to work that way too? If so, that’s actually very timely.
So let’s all be patient. Let’s show immense understanding and tolerance before, during and after their thirteen-year period of ‘teenage-hood’. If, knowing what you now know, you still feel strong and brave enough to embark on a coaching journey with them during this time, then you fully deserve the wonderful relationship you will experience with them for the rest of your lives.
Then you can start on the grandchildren…
Connect with James
James is the author of “Kid Pro Quo™ – Essential Parent Coaching Skills for Growing Confident, Cheerful Children”.
Linked In: James Mackenzie Wright
Email: jameswright@coachingcultureatwork.com
