James has been a trustee of MOE over ten years, from 2012-2022, and a trainer of numerous coach training courses and trainers for MOE during that time. He is providing a number of blogs from his experience as a coach, a parent and a speaker about coaching to parents.
Here are seven manageable and practical things we can do in advance of an actual coaching session with our children that will make a big difference to its success. The coaching itself is the focus, for sure, although structured preparation is crucial to making sure the child or young person “buys in”.
Try any or all of these seven building blocks to create the best environment for the child to better access and communicate their thoughts to us. Using just one will make a noticeable difference, while employing all of them is transformative. But don’t take my word for it – have a go!
By taking the time to prepare our coaching conversations we are saying to the child: “You matter and your thinking matters”.
Coaching conversations with kids
Coaching conversations are not ‘normal’ conversations, since it is the child who is encouraged to be in the spotlight doing most of the thinking and talking, while the adult is doing the listening and asking questions. It is very beneficial to make sure the children know what is in store, because building a coaching relationship is very different from what they have probably become very used to, which is us “telling”, “steering”, “advising”, “guiding”, and so on.
Let them know that we are going to try to replace these directive behaviours and interventions with more listening and questions and permission to explore their ideas. Remind them we are not looking to wear our coach hats all the time – we still have a duty of care and protection, and there is still value in sharing our ideas and experiences with them as they grow.
But do take the time to point out why coaching conversations can be so rewarding. Explain that we believe in them as amazing people with amazing minds, wonderful ideas and that we trust them to find the solutions and actions that work for them. Reassure them that we will do our best to listen without judging or criticizing them, or asking “why don’t you” type questions or saying “yes but…”.
1. Positioning the coaching conversation with your child
Getting children to commit to the conversations that we want them to have – when we want to have them – can be a challenge. But when they want a conversation about something they are motivated about, their sense of immediacy and commitment can be startling. So rather than complain to our children when we feel they are being too spontaneous or not being present enough, let’s try to recognize their needs and be flexible.
It’s important to ask the child when might be a good time for them to talk to us about certain things. What suits us may not be a good time for the child. It’s also important to be fully open about how we intend to approach the conversations, and about what they can expect.
We might start by saying something like:
“Can I just ask you about something? I’d really like us to talk a bit more about [whatever it is] and I’m aware that I often don’t really listen to you very well. I know you think I keep making other things more important, and you’re right, and I’m really sorry. I’d really like to change the way I listen to you, and so I wonder if we can find time in the next couple of days to have a really good talk about [whatever it is]. When is a good time for you, where we could find 15 minutes or so to properly explore a few things?”
2. Contracting
If we have managed to agree a coaching session we might then like to try introducing a ‘contract’ of sorts to accompany the process. We could ask:
“Now, can we first make a note of a few things that we would like to see happen in our conversations that will allow us to get the most out of them?”
“What are a few things that you’d like to happen to make sure we are thinking at our best? Shall we write a few things down so we can try to keep to them?”
This exercise allows children to understand they have a voice in the meeting too, so try not to make anyone ‘wrong’ – just accept all answers as far as we can. We, or they, can write down their answers, and we may like to ask the child if we can stick them up somewhere public, like on the fridge door, for example. This keeps the ‘contract’ handy to refer to when needed for other conversations too.
Parents obviously have a voice too, so remember to introduce things that we as parents personally feel are important to keeping the conversations energised and focused. Asking permission is a good way to keep the child feeling they have some control too. We might ask:
“Can I add a few things to that list as well?”
We may well hear (or introduce) a selection of the following typical replies:
Honesty,
Punctuality,
Free-thinking,
Controversial subjects are discussed,
Respect for each other’s opinions and ideas,
Open-mindedness,
Listening to each other,
Participation,
Positivity,
Full engagement,
Patience,
Clarity,
No criticism or blame,
Managing our energies i.e. stay hydrated, moving, sitting up straight,
Considerate,
Confidentiality,
Staying relevant,
Open to all ideas and diversities,
Flexible,
Mistake-allowing,
Trusting,
Using anecdotes,
Humorous,
Light and fun,
Connected,
Giving everyone a voice,
Listening attentively,
Not interrupted or interrupting and so on…
3. Creating a Backdrop of Anticipation
A productive and well-handled coaching conversation gives a child a good chance of staying engaged and motivated. Just checking on the small stuff creates respect right at the start. Simple questions around time expectations, distractions and space all help to create a sense of importance around an upcoming coaching conversation, e.g.
“So we’ve got about [15] minutes – is that enough time for you?”
“I’ll just check my mobile is switched off while we have this chat – can you check yours too please?”
“You’re not expecting any friends to call or pop round in the next [15] minutes, are you?”
“What other distractions are on your mind that you can let go of before we start?”
“Where shall we go that has the most relaxing view and the least distractions?”
4. Setting Outcomes
Start any conversations by looking ahead to an overview of what the child wants to achieve. Try not to get straight into the nitty gritty before settling on an outcome. It’s okay to include our own ‘wants’ at this point too, so long as they do not overwhelm or replace the child’s. Looking towards a positive future outcome has the benefit of raising energy and clarity of purpose. Ask the child for its outcome using questions like,
“What would you like to know by the end of this conversation that you’re not yet clear about?”
“What takeaways might be useful for you from this chat?”
Once again, we shouldn’t overlook the outcomes we want either – just present them kindly and using permission, e.g.
“Could I tell you what I’d like to get out of this conversation too?”
Encourage children to be succinct and specific – this is not always easy and takes practice; being succinct helps them to remember their outcome easily. We can ask questions like:
“How could you say that in a single sentence… or a few words?”
– and of course their outcomes can be about anything, e.g.
“To be as well prepared as I can be with my packing for a fun summer camp,”
“To play my piano piece for Granny’s birthday.”
“To sort out all my toys so I can find them when I want them”.
“To design the look and colours I want in my new bedroom.”
“To make sure I can get some quiet time by myself when I need it.”
Explain that we are setting these outcomes so as to focus our minds on ensuring we are both happy with the planned direction. Let them know the direction can change too, if they want it to. This is a good point to highlight any differences or misunderstandings with regard to our own intentions and expectations of the coaching. And don’t neglect to set a measure for progress at the end of the session.
Sometimes, the child may not be clear on what its desired outcome is. Finding that out is an outcome in itself. Take, for example, conversations about planning university choices or options for a birthday outing. In these cases, there may be no need yet to spend time identifying a specific goal for the conversation; it may be that the outcome is simply “to narrow down my options for now.”
The purpose of setting outcomes also has the wider benefits of enabling children to get used to casting their minds forward to the future, (in line with the solution focus of coaching), where they can understand that they have power and influence over their lives too. Before reaching their teenage years, it is common that children may not have reached a sufficiently advanced cognitive reasoning level to grasp how they can personally influence events.
And the child may well defer to us anyway for assistance in creating more complex or longer-term goals, so it’s fine to be ready and willing to offer some suggested outcomes too. (Just try not to be overly attached to them!)
5. Managing the Time
A conversation can take as long as it needs or as long as agreed. There is no optimum time for coaching to be effective. My feeling is, once a strong outcome is agreed, then a time duration for the conversation can be agreed too. It is good practice to manage time effectively, and experienced parent-coaches not only know why they are asking each question and what sort of question they are asking, but also at what stage of the conversation to ask it, too.
So, if we have agreed not to exceed 15 minutes to discuss something, it is useful to remind our child at least twice of how much time is left. Ask:
“We’re nearly halfway through our time now – how are we doing so far?”
“How would you like to use the last six minutes or so?”
“We’ve only got about a minute left – what are your freshest thoughts on this now?”
Remember also that coaching is very demanding on young brains. As adults we are more accustomed to listening intently, processing what is being said (and what isn’t), concentrating and focusing, managing emotions, formulating incisive questions and keeping track and time of (often complex) threads and tangents. My feeling is that an hour-long session for a young brain is a major ask. For this reason, I recommend regular ‘sprints’ – 15-20 minutes – rather than occasional ‘marathons.’
We can decide on the durations of sessions if we feel that’s best, though it is always preferable to ask the child how long it would like to talk with us. Then we can ‘contract’ that time making sure we don’t overshoot. Even if we have the time to let the session run over, the child may not want this. And vice versa. Time is an important discipline in the coaching process and is our responsibility as the coach. If the child gets anxious that it is going to miss a favourite TV programme or an event with friends, its mind will wander and the concentration we were planning to appreciate them for is in danger of evaporating quickly.
Start with short sessions – we can lengthen them as we become more used to structured conversations with each other.
6. Appreciating
At the end of a coaching session, it is important to leave children feeling comfortable and motivated about their next steps. Completing each conversation strongly by giving positive feedback on our child’s achievements, builds self-belief and confidence.
Appreciative comments are always well received: e.g.
“Thank you for being so focused during that conversation. I really admire your concentration and determination to cover all the points.”
“I am really enjoying these discussions with you – we get through so much. What would you like to say before we finish?”
“I’m really impressed by how much we’ve been able to get through in these [fifteen] minutes. Shall we see if we can find another time to pick it up again soon?”
Thank the children every time for their concentration, mindfulness, politeness – anything at all really – although it must sound, and be, authentic. And by modelling the concept of appreciation, they may feel they want to thank us too.
7. Closing
The act of ‘closing’ rounds off the coaching session and allows each party to separate that session from the next element of their day. Brains need this ability to ‘tidy things away’ for optimum efficiency.
To complete a coaching session, we use open questions to expand the learning. Asking “How do you feel you have progressed with that?” is a better quality question than “Do you feel this coaching has helped you to progress with that?” which is a leading question; we are clearly angling for the answer “yes“, which can put the child on the spot.
The parent should ‘close’ first, to model good closing, and then invite the child to close. So, try using any of the following:
“How are you feeling now?”
“What are your ‘takeaways’? Anything else?”
“What questions are now most important for you to think about?”
“And what are your thoughts about starting to work on these new ideas?”
“What more do you think or feel or want to say about this, that will make this discussion complete for you?”
“And what is your freshest thinking about this after [15] minutes of talking it through?”
“What would you like to write down so you can remember?”
Remember too, to come back to the outcome originally aimed at, to check in on where the children feel they have reached:
“Do you remember at the beginning of this chat you mentioned you wanted to use this meeting to [whatever it was]. So how do you feel you have progressed with that?”
Finally, try to remember to detach yourself from the child’s outcome as much as you feel you can. It is less important whether the child feels it has or hasn’t made huge strides towards the stated outcome, than that the meeting feels complete – for now. It’s far better to detach and trust, than to command and control.
When children feel we are judging them on non-achievement or pressuring them to achieve something they are not ready for, they may choose to shut down their thinking when around us. Allowing them to feel okay with where they are at the end of each conversation is very motivating and increases the chances of them agreeing to another coaching talk later.
The very best of luck to you all!
Connect with James
James is the author of “Kid Pro Quo™ – Essential Parent Coaching Skills for Growing Confident, Cheerful Children”.
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