Written by the eponymous N.E. Jung-Pursson 😉, this is intended to be a provocative, lighthearted tease to prepare parents as they embark on their coaching journey with their kids.
Parents; what might you be letting yourselves in for when you decide to adopt a coaching approach in the home? How much of this resonates? How ready are you really?
“So now you’ve decided you want to start coaching us, have you? But, isn’t, er… listening a big part of the coaching process? Are you sure you’re up to it? If you’re really serious, test yourselves by reading this first, and we’ll see whether it’s worth either of us going any further with it.
Let’s start with a re-frame upfront:
Just suppose it was a Law of the Universe, that kids get to choose to be born into the family of their choice. Ask yourselves, now we’ve picked you, what might have been our reasons for that? What do you suppose we felt we could best learn about our development and our education from you? Suppose we chose you because we had spotted something in you that needed attention, or fixing, and we were uniquely qualified to fix it for you.
So that would make us your mentors. We often hear how ungrateful we are for what you do for us. Maybe now the shoe would be on the other foot, and it would be you who were grateful to us for choosing you, and teaching you more about yourselves?
In a nutshell, parenting is all about communicating really. Show me the rule that says it only works from old towards young, or from more experienced towards less or from adult towards child? You just have to know how to make us think. In fact, what’s to know? Just stop telling us to do stuff and we’ll think perfectly all by ourselves. Forget feeling you have to give us a “good talking to”. When was the last time you gave us “a thoroughly good listening to?”
None of you sets out to be a bad parent on purpose. Well, virtually none, thankfully. So let’s be generous and allow that (from your point of view) the family that you have created is a unique and shining representation, made from the thousands of tactical approaches you are making daily to our education.
And from our point of view? Well, (and thanks for asking) most of those tactical approaches seem to us to be aimed towards minimizing conflict.
Maybe that’s what parents are all REALLY looking to achieve? A harmonious, fun and peaceful environment at home? Makes it so much easier to congratulate yourselves on your parenting skills, right? You probably think there’s little wrong with your parenting when everything is calm and we are doing what we are told – ever noticed that? Sometimes it seems like it’s just when we have the cheek to think and speak out for ourselves that it all starts going pear-shaped…for you.
Harsh? Maybe. Maybe not. Deal with it either way. Everyone knows parents are hard-working, well-meaning and generous (because you tell us so often) and you probably hear all too seldom what a magnificent contribution you are making, every day of your lives, to us younger people. So, fine. You’re doing the best you can too.
You act like you think we’re going to be really resistant to this coaching malarkey. You think we just wish that people would leave us alone for several years with our childish insecurities and hormones. So here’s a shocker for you; we do see the power in coaching. We DO. Any form of respectful communication is appreciated, even if we don’t always find the politesse to acknowledge it there and then.
Anything is preferable to you just harping on about us behaving badly and trying to fix us. Really. Our brains are smart and hungry. Look closely and you’ll see that. Simply put, all we want is some space in which to make our transformations. Read that again. In fact I’ll write it again. We just need some space to explore our transformation opportunities. So if that’s the form your parent-coaching is going to take – just creating and holding a safe space for us younger people to explore ourselves – then we all want some of that. Lots of that. No question.
Let’s see if by exploring this coaching together we can create that harmonious, fun, peaceful space you’re so fond of. And while we’re at it, let’s see if we can’t shed some of the tensions and stresses that seem to accompany so many family moments. We learn so much slower when there’s tension. Doesn’t everybody?
If you get nothing else, at least get that.
So first, let’s ALL be grateful, shall we? We are all investing into each other’s education, every single day. It’s not a one-way street, as you seem to need people to believe. We invite you to get off that high, ‘grown-up’ horse of yours every once in a while, and try to see childhood and teenhood as we see it. That’s where your coaching could best start.
And – (which brings us back neatly to where we came in) – then you can test your listening skills and ask all the questions you want. You want a bit of acknowledgement from time to time for the job you do for us? Then send a little our way sometime, for the s-p-a-c-e-s we create and hold wide open for you to explore yourselves too.
Quid pro quo. Kid Pro Quo.
This will allow us all to evolve and grow.” – N.E. Jung-Pursson
Connect with James
James Wright has been a trustee of MOE over ten years, from 2012-2022, and a trainer of numerous coach training courses and trainers for MOE during that time. He is providing a number of blogs from his experience as a coach, a parent and a speaker about coaching to parents.
James is the author of “Kid Pro Quo™ – Essential Parent Coaching Skills for Growing Confident, Cheerful Children”.
LinkedIn: James Mackenzie Wright
Email: jameswright@coachingcultureatwork.com
